A thought has come to my mind, that just as we say, he should obey me, the wife should obey me, my friends should obey me, just as a Guru says that my disciples should obey me, one needs to think deeply about such behavior. You think that your son should listen to you, then is his role only to be your son ? Is he not also the son of your spouse ? Is he not someone’s brother ? Is he not someone’s grandson ? Is he only yours and no one else’s ? If he also belongs to others, then, should he be obeying only you ?
He is your son, so from your perspective, you do your duty as should be done towards a son. See to it that how can he become better ? Have the feeling that my son should be better than me, in every possible way, whether it be in knowledge, capabilities, skills etc. Our right is only to the extent of making the child better than us in every aspect, but it is not to control or dominate over him.
If worldwide the sentiments are that my son becomes better than me, then the entire world will become better. And as such, the son is better than you. Let there not be the feeling that he has many flaws. If you see flaws, then it is your deficiency too, as, on seeing flaws the deficiency comes in you as well. If flaws are seen, then try to vision him as being free of flaws. Don’t reveal the flaws, don’t try to dominate over him, rather, look towards his improvement. Seeing him flawless should be our genuine wish.
Another view point is that if others listen to us, then personally it is more of a loss, it is not beneficial. The more that family members abide in our wishes and commands, there will be more sense of mine-ness (mamta) and delusion / attachment (moha) etc. on our part. If he who obeys you, dies or goes away, you feel very bad; but one who does not listen to you if they die, you do not feel so bad, you do not feel much attachment towards them.
It appears bad, when people are not listening to you, but as such, it is reducing your sins, it is purifying you, because you feel pain when others don’t listen. Therefore feel grateful towards the other person and understand that he is in fact purifying you.
The attitude that he should only listen to you, well, are you the only one who is advising him, giving him instructions and lectures ? Why should he only listen to you ? Whatever he sees good, let him listen to that point. Why the insistence that he should listen to you ? Our main aim should be that all are benefited.
Sarve bhavantu sukhinah
Let there be this one dominant sentiment –
Sarve Bhavantu Sukhinah, Sarve Santu Niraamayaa
Sarve Bhadraani Pashyantu, Maa kascchid Dukh bhaagyebhevet
May all become happy, may all be free from disease;
May there be nothing but auspiciousness in everyone’s lives;
May no one undergo any suffering.
If someone makes a mistake, it is due to his carelessness. due to slipping. Mistakes are not permanent, the flaw is not in his nature, it is not in his ‘self’ (swayam), the mistake has only come, carelessness has come. So be it ! On being careful, it will go away. It will become alright.
Give good advice, do this and don’t do this. The attitude must be one of – if he does according to your instructions, then well and good, and if he doesn’t, then too well and good. No problem ! However, to dominate and control some one is not a good thing.
If he asks for advice, give the best of best advice. If he listens, well and good, if he does not listen, then even better. It is our duty to give advice so that they become better. Give good advice as you see it, and explain properly. But it is up to him what he wishes to do. But if he doesn’t do as per your advice, and you lament, feel bitter, experience pain and sorrow, then why go into such a state of sorrow in the first place ?
Have fond feelings towards everyone, but you should listen to only God. Only He is ours. Everyone else is ours, only to serve. But wanting to be served by others, thinking that they should do as I say etc. will lead to pain and sorrow.
‘Asha hi param dukham’
Hoping and wishing from others is cause for eternal sorrow.
Desire for pleasure, desire for rest relaxation, wanting that others should do as per our biddings, etc. is cause of great sorrow. Therefore have no hope or expectation from anyone. Even from God, there shouldn’t be the feeling that He should do this for me. God is ours, whether He does for us or not. Only He is ours, and He belongs to everyone. He Who belongs to everyone, He also belongs to me. Since He is everywhere, He is also in me. He who is always present, He is also present just now. He is the only one who is ours.
Mere toh Giridhar Gopal, doosero na koyi.
Only God is mine, no one else is mine.
This is the absolute truth. This is a cosmic law. God is ours. Not that God has to be favorable to us. Whatever makes him happy, so He should do. Give others comfort, rest and relaxation, etc. Serve them, but it is not in our hands to make others do as we please. Why then have expectation? Let there not be pride in your goodness. Don’t do what you regard as evil. To steal, cheat, cause pain to someone, difficulty to others, this sort of nature of causing pain to others, will be very harmful. If you steal, it may appear that you got something for free, but in future it will lead to much ruin, as our nature will become bad. It will be a great loss. That nature will go with you. You would have planted a bad seed. This is a very big mistake. Such a sin will come into your nature. The main point is that we should not make such mistakes.
The focus should not be on others and whether they should not do wrong things. We have to improve our own nature, and you can certainly improve your own nature. It is within your control to do so It is not up to you to change others. Doing our own work properly is certainly in our own hands. But it is not in our hands to dominate and control others. Therefore see to everyone’s supreme good. Sarve Bhavantu Sukhinah. Let the sentiments be such at all times, this is very good thing. If our sentiments are pure, we will become pure, whether the world becomes good or not, but if the sentiments are one of wishing that all be benefited, if such perseverance is there, all will improve, all will become good. But if the desire exists to improve others, it will lead to pride.
We have to practice what we preach We have to also listen to what we say or preach to others. One person told me – ‘when you give a talk, you too should also listen.’ You yourself should listen to your own talk. We must give a talk for our own listening. By talking, the points becomes clear and firm. When a person studies, he teaches, and when he teaches, then he learns. By teaching one truly learns. By listening to your own talk, the point will become firm, and you will be benefited. Speak mainly for your own learning. If others listen it is their wish, if they don’t, that too is their wish. Others are independent. Do they not have a brain to decide for themselves ? Therefore, do not try to control, to dominate or force your views. Young people, your children, etc. will not be young forever. Our work is to give good advice, let our own nature also improve. Therefore this desire that others should listen to us should be wiped out. If you think a particular point is good, then let it be so for yourself, but others should listen is not in your hands.
Paradheen sapne mein bhi sukh naahi.
A dependent man cannot be happy even in his dreams
Why become dependent on others. Behave in the best possible way, give the best possible advice.
It is due to being put in a particular situation, that others may have made a mistake. But it is not good to think that he has flaws, that he is bad. Flawlessness is innate and natural. Whatever is natural should be accepted. Flaws come and go, but purity is natural. A flaw may come, a mistakes can happen. But on having regrets, feeling remorse and on repenting, it will lead to improvement. Accept what is natural, don’t accept that which has come temporarily.
Have no insistence that they should listen to you. Goodness is natural and innate. On doing evil, flaws arise. But as such, flawlessness is our natural state. Flaws come from having affinity with nature, having affinity with bad company, having bad thoughts, and from greed, etc. It is due to greed, that one becomes a thief. On doing evil, your nature will become bad and it will be a great loss. This you will not realize at present, but over time, these flaws will show up. Our innate nature is free of flaws, but these temporary flaws need to be carefully removed. Remain ever vigilant and careful.
Saavdhaani hi saadhana hai.
Staying vigilant and careful is itself a spiritual discipline.
Therefore, do not dominate or control anyone, but lovingly give advice.
Narayana ! Narayana ! Narayana !
From pravachan in Hindi by Swami Ramuskhdasji Maharaj on Oct 11th, 1989 at 5:00 am
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